I find my daughters dark days very difficult to cope with and sometimes hard to understand.
Sometimes i feel so frustrated. She's had a great day, shes been out and about. She has smiled today. She has laughed today. She has engaged with others.
Yet here we are at 8pm. She is laying on the sofa, she won't engage, she's crying. shes telling you how much she hates her life and that she wishes she was wasn't here.
Distraction won't work, talking about it won't work. i just have to sit and watch.
K has been on medication now for over a year. I was very reluctant at first for her to have anti-depressants as she had just turned 15 and it seemed so permanent and i guess the end of what my mind kept thinking could be 'a phase' or a temporary state of mind.
But she really needed them, she had constant anxiety that someone was going to hurt her, she barely slept and experienced constant Suicidal thoughts.
Her dependency on me was so bad that she actually used to knock the back of my shoe off my heel by walking so close behind me when we were out and about. She slept in my bed with me and didn't leave my side.
The meds have helped. But don't be fooled into thinking they will solve everything.
I suppose i thought that they would balance out the faulty serotonin levels and she would be better.
The reality is they take the edge off. They help her get out of bed. They help her leave the house. They help her to talk to people that she doesn't know. They help her to be more open and able to work with professionals.
But these dark days still come. Sometimes they rumble into a bad week.
I think it is specially hard for her at the moment. After a year of being tucked away at home with me she has just started college three days a week. And she is doing amazingly well.
As I've said in previous blogs my daughter amazes me. She is at constant battle with anxiety, self-harming and self-loathing and yet she still keeps pushing forward and that's why i know she will be OK in the future.
That's why we keep plodding on and ride out the storm.
There are some fab books which offer advice and support to carers .
My particular favourites are-
An Introduction to coping with depression for carers-Tony Frais
This is a short book which talks about understanding depression and the effects on the sufferer and the carer, explores treatment options and how to seek out support to cope as a carer. You can check out my review on this book here
Coping with Depression: A Guide to What Works for Patients, Carers, and Professionals
This is a great book because it is very focused on recovery. It explains the various forms of treatments and explores the use of medication, i was recommended this book by a professional and found it very helpful.